Walking through the streets of Toronto during the spring of 2023, following a dinner with the PeerWorks1 board and staff, I was stopped in my tracks.
“What happened?” queried my colleague Colene, puzzled by my abrupt stop on the way to her car.
“I just found utopia”; scrawled with sharpie on the side of a payphone – not once, but twice.
I had spent the past year thinking about dreams and the future, searching for utopia; and there it was, right in front of me, mere moments away from Spadina Station, as if it was an omen, a sign, telling me I was on the right path – or, at the very least, one of many (Octavia Butler, 2000). One thing that I learned throughout this process is that utopia can be found anywhere, if only you care to look for it. One of the goals of my major research project (Calvin Prowse, 2023) was to read the legacies of psychiatric consumer/survivor peer support through the lens of utopia, so that we could understand peer support as a dream for a better world, and strengthen our future-oriented thinking skills instead of getting trapped in the short-term logics of late stage capitalism. We need to hope; we need to dream: of a better world, a better future – an elsewhere, an elsewhen (Alison Kafer, 2013, p. 3) – and dedicate our energies to transforming our dreams into reality.
But of course, although I retain my insistence that searching for echoes of utopia is an urgent and necessary task to facilitate the re-awakening of our imaginations, the goal of utopian thought is to imagine utopia (Ruth Levitas, 2013), not merely recognize it. In contrast, the field of critical futures studies aims to “undefine the future” (Sohail Inayatullah, 2013, p. 44) so that we can begin crafting alternatives. It is not enough to simply look for utopia – we have to dream it; we have to make it ourselves. Utopia is here, if only we let it be.
What does it take to make utopia? Sometimes this can be as simple as finding a moment of reprieve in a bustling city, a space in the shadows of perpetual surveillance, to step outside the boundaries of “acceptable behaviour” (by which I mean laws that are more concerned with the preservation of property than the flourishing of life). Sometimes all we need to make utopia is a sharpie and two or three seconds of spare time.
This act is deceptively simple but remarkably profound. It is planting the seeds of utopia, prompting passersby to wonder: “what if things were different?” (Andi C. Buchanan, 2020) 2. This small act of civil disobedience is a call for revolution and a micro-lesson in “futures literacy” (Michael Godhe & Luke Goode, 2018, p. 154) – the ability to imagine, anticipate, evaluate, and respond to a wide range of possible futures.
One of my hopes for my research was to accomplish a similar task: to prompt a renewed attention to notions of futurity within consumer/survivor peer support, albeit in many more words. And, perhaps, too many words: this same task may be just as easily accomplished by a single word scrawled on the side of a payphone, as an offering and a call to action, as if to ask of us: “utopia…?”
Endnotes
1 PeerWorks is an organization dedicated to championing the voices of peer support organizations and consumer/survivor initiatives in Ontario. I was a member of the PeerWorks board of directors from 2019-2024.
2 In this post-apocalyptic short story, the two main characters – one Deaf, one autistic – come together to imagine (and build) a new community grounded in their auditory sensory needs.
References
Alison Kafer (2013). Feminist, queer, crip. Indiana University Press.
Andi C. Buchanan (2020). Ōmarino. In T. Dolichva (Ed.), Rebuilding tomorrow (pp. 161–172). Twelfth Planet Press.
My recent time out in nature on my yearly solo trip to T’szil mountain (commonly known as Mt. Currie) brought back lots of memories and reflections on my past.
The photographer in me always takes my camera with me. No, not the one on my phone – my digital SLR that allows me to zoom in completely in the viewfinder and lose myself in the moment. And that camera lens takes me into beautiful worlds.
Reflecting on what I thought my life would be many years ago, versus what it actually is now, has had me seeing how my personal lens can deeply shift how I see things in reality.
That one picture of me, belly down on the ground, so intently focused on that viewfinder on the camera, completely absorbed by that little mountain flower. Such joy in that moment.
It reminds me that 34 years ago, at the age of 14, I dreamed of being a National Geographic photographer. But what I didn’t know then was that the things I desired, and that I was pulled to do in life, would have nothing to do with the title.
I’m not currently a photographer for that magazine, nor do I plan on being one. But I do find myself seeking out natural wild spaces, down on my belly with my face in a viewfinder, alone with the noises and sounds of nature and looking at the microscopic life that is hidden from us all when we move so quickly.
I still love this. I still find myself completely in flow when behind a camera focused on that one minute thing. So whether the title I have is making a living as being a traveling nature photographer, or whether I am simply doing it for the pleasure for myself, is unimportant.
This makes me think about some of the delusions of grandeur that I’ve had during hypomanic energy, these huge ideas of projects that I’ve wanted to accomplish. Or maybe this has nothing to do with bipolar disorder and more so with the fact that I am such a dreamer. And the latter is what has made me feel so passionate about my life.
The interesting point here is to learn to discern between these two experiences – hypomanic grandeur vs passionate interest – so as to ensure that I can have a good quality of life, no matter if I have accomplished those big dreams or if I have tried to become “the thing that I thought I would be”. Because with the highs and lows of bipolar, let me tell you, there’s been a lot of disappointment in my life. There have been many moments of “wow, this is definitely not how I thought my life would be”. The struggles brought on by the intense distress of episodes required that I refocus on things that I could actually do, rather than what I wished I could do.
I would say now, when I look back, I finally know that piece of the puzzle that allows me to discern if a dream is an unrealistic project of hypomanic source or a realistic endeavour that is sustainable for me:
It’s not how big the dream is, it’s whether it is fuelled by frantic impulsivity or guided by planned realism.
These last days I’ve spent with myself, deep in nature with the least amount of human-made noise possible, is really what I dreamed of at the age of 14 at the thought of being a photographer for that magazine. Slowing down, paying precise attention to the natural world and drinking in that which is greater than me.
It doesn’t matter if I have the title – I have the experience and that is what makes me feel at home within myself.
After taking a month away to recalibrate from burnout, I started writing a few paragraphs of this blog and realized it felt empty, like what I started writing was just more of the same as last time:
“I burned out, I paused, I’m back. It’s ok, I live with bipolar, but here’s how I got through it, etc”
Wash, rinse, repeat.
But that’s not what I’m trying to get at.
I’m realizing that I want to go a little bit deeper and talk about what’s behind the burnout and how it is that I have experienced it many times in my life. And it’s not like people who live with bipolar disorder have Monopoly on burnout! I don’t think that because I live with my bipolar that I know what burnout is more than anyone else.
At the same time, the dysregulation of mood and energy lends itself to overshooting one’s capacities very easily. That is what hypomanic tendencies usually bring out in me.
And interestingly, after I’ve had a hypomanic phase and overshot, I end up completely burning myself out… And that’s when it crashes into depression. Almost like the body going into a depressive state in order to recalibrate itself; forcing the mind to shut down to cope with brain fog, cognitive distortions and pure exhaustion. In this state, my body feels so tired that it has no energy to do anything other than oversleep.
I feel somehow the burnout that I’ve just experienced is my internal signals telling me that I need to stop or else… I will go into a bipolar episode.
But maybe it was there all along.
What recently brought me into burnout in the first place was my tendency to overshoot the mark, overexert myself because my mind is so excited and therefore I end up working way more hours than I have the energy to do so.
My hypomanic energy is such a great driver: I don’t need as much sleep as I usually do and I have the capacity to be thinking clearly up until 2:00 in the morning, actively engaged in something because I am “excitable”.
That’s when I get to pay attention to the signs.
I won’t lie — the hypomanic energy I experience is such a force. It is quite an amazing creative spark, and at the same time, it really dysregulates my whole mind and body, making it hard to keep anything like this long term sustainable.
Ok side note:
Oh my god, this is so funny… This is such a true metaphor. I was so focused on what I was writing at this exact moment that I didn’t realize that the oil in the pan I had put on high on the stovetop started burning… I only realized it once the fire alarm went off in my apartment! Ain’t that the truth…
This literally just happened.
And you know what? My bipolar disorder, meaning the manifestations of mood swings, is actually a finely tuned internal alarm system that notes when it is that I need to heed the signals to slow down and take care of myself.
I guess I should be doing that right now rather than burning a pan, right?
What I call burnout is actually my system trying to recalibrate after I’ve pushed beyond my limits — and I’m learning to listen before the alarm has to go off. Note taken.
The great reminder for me is that I don’t have to let the hypomanic energy lead the way — I can harness its power and ride it in the direction that supports me.
Bridling that fire horse, my hypomania, means less burnout and a more sustainable life. And also less unnecessary fire alarms.
It is such an amazing experience to hold space for another on their healing journey, while reflecting on how my own can guide them. Another coaching session with a client today reminded me that subtle action amidst the ocean of things we cannot change is often more powerful than we think.
As I slowly grow in my new consulting business, I am in awe of the progress I’ve made in learning to live well with a serious mood disorder. I now have a deep appreciation of the richness the bipolar experience has taught me about acceptance and letting go. And it’s often when we share those lived experiences with another that we become aware of the wisdom we ourselves have gained.
I shared with my client that, long ago, I mistakenly believed I would find peace by somehow suppressing my chaotic mood swings. The intensity of my inner-fire fuelled my hypomania and often felt like an urgent itch to scratch. Unfortunately, trying to control it by simply “not reacting” led to bigger mood dysregulation, and often with it, destructive behaviors.
The courage to do “nothing” became a dream of mine, often reading Pema Chödrön and romanticising Buddhist detachment as an answer to this dysregulated roller coaster.
Once I realised that radical acceptance was actually very uncomfortable to practice, the true work came from acknowledging that I couldn’t actually change what I felt; becoming willing to simply be present with my thoughts and feelings by befriending my shadow was the answer.
This has led me to shifting my view of my life completely, from “I should just love my life and be grateful” to “I love the choices I make in my life even though I may not love all aspects of it”.
Life is full of uncomfortable experiences. Though I absolutely love how I choose to engage with the aspects of my life that I find difficult. When I view my life this way, I am empowered to be an active agent despite the things I cannot change.
**STRUGGLES-2-STRENGTHS BLOG aims to connect with those experiencing Bipolar Disorder (BD) like myself, as well as those who support them, by sharing reflections on personal experiences rather than clinical perspectives.
The Sound of Healing is a hip-hop album by Vancouver-based rapper and producer Francis Arevalo, about his experiences with mania, psychosis, and depression, and being diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 Disorder. He made the album to heal from his experiences, share his story of recovery and survival, and show what his life looks like now, learning to live with the illness after a traumatic time in his life. He hopes that this album can inspire and keep someone company who may be going through similar experiences, and destigmatize conversations around mental health and illness.
It’s been a few weeks with my head deep in computer-land, focusing on designing my new business website. As I come up for air, I’ve noticed the theme throughout this process has been one of integrity.
Without knowing, this notion of transparent honesty has popped up in all spheres of my life, starting with my messaging on joelleperras.com. I took on the challenge of building my own site and quickly woke to the reality that these web pages would carry my values and beliefs into the world. Whenever I reviewed a completed section I would ask myself “will first-impressions get what my business is about? Is this clear, direct, and congruent with my purpose?”
I’ve carried this essence throughout my days, aware that intention and clarity were guiding my way. Challenged by a difficult conversation, I chose to step up with integrity by sharing an honest disagreement rather than hiding behind “oh it doesn’t matter”. In another situation, someone reached out with a specific ask and I chose to clearly say ‘no’ and respect my own boundaries.
This road of clear honest communication started out years ago as a roller-coaster of upheaval. The idea that someone may misunderstand my intent or message used to plague me.
I spent the better part of 20 years with an unmanaged mood disorder, often lined with emotionally reactive outbursts that were confusing to those around me. Most of my dysregulated moments were fear-based reactions due to feeling terrified in my mind and out of control with my emotions, while others perceived me to be angry or aggressive.
The common experience of my fear being misread as anger by family, friends or strangers eventually led me to hide my feelings all together, hesitant to cause more external chaos than I was already experiencing inside.
It became a lonely place to live: trying to hide who I was and pretending to be something other than myself.
Though “walking-the-talk” was always crucial to me, the mood instabilities seemed to throw that off track. I dreamt of being able to show up in ways that reflected my values and beliefs, even when in emotionally charged situations.
With a decade of intentional practice, I slowly developed the capacity to do just that. Dedication to self-awareness and pausing when agitated became a mantra. Eventually, it became second-nature to regulate my internal experience to reflect my outward energy. Change is possible, even for someone who lives with bipolar disorder.
This whole experience reviewing my business website has brought back the process of showing up with integrity: Does my web content mirror my values? More importantly, do my everyday actions truthfully reflect who I am and what I believe in?
Today I can answer ‘yes’ whole-heartedly to that question. Like others, I have days where my words and actions are mis-aligned. When this happens, and it does, I take notice: I pause and guide my thinking back to center.
I‘ve just completed my yearly ritual of beginning January: I spend a few days in retreat reviewing the previous year‘s successes, struggles and challenges. Then I meditate on what my soul desires for the year ahead, establishing my goals and dreams. And finish it off with my “word of the year” that will guide me through the fog on difficult days.
This ritual has become a pillar in my mental health practice and management of Bipolar Disorder; it allows for self-reflection, self-awareness and wisdom to shine through.
When I ride the dysregulated waves of bipolar instability, my distorted thoughts tell me “you’ll never get through the storm…” and yet I always do.
This tells me that moments of grounded perspective are key to navigating my depressive and hypomanic tendencies; and establishing a road-map for my year with goals and guiding words are the foundation to that journey.
So here it is — my word of the year:
“RAYONNER” — in English, that means ”TO SHINE” or “TO RADIATE”.
This word reminds me that I am already where I am to be, I’ve done the work, I don’t have to struggle so much to be ok.
When in doubt in unstable times, I get to BE the lighthouse to guide others, rather than the rescue boat out in the storm.
Stand tall.
Stand still.
Shine with ease.
I’ve been in recovery with Bipolar Disorder for 14 years now — this does not mean I am cured, but rather that I actively work toward stability on a daily basis.
Recovery for me is a daily commitment to self-responsibility. It is possible for everyone, as long as we steer the ship in the right direction.
Have you ever felt like you were stepping into the role you were made for? This is something I am feeling for the first time in my life. It has come with years of self-doubt, overcoming challenges and transforming my past into richness for the present.
This might sound a bit like destiny-speak, as if there is only one thing meant for me, or perhaps fate made it happen. I don’t actually believe there is only one role for me in this lifetime, though I am currently experiencing a very strong alignment with my purpose.
Some of you have been reading me for a bit, and may know that I made the big decision earlier this year to follow my dream: using my lived-experience with recovery with Bipolar Disorder as a platform for my new business as a consultant. I never thought it would be possible, seeing as the first years following my diagnosis in 2011 were filled with chaos that felt never-ending. Fourteen years later, I find myself living well with Bipolar, to the point of thriving with its challenges and gifts.
Now that I have discarded the old belief of “I can’t do (….) because my Bipolar Disorder will always mess up my life”, I see my lived-experience through a new lens and honour it as an asset. Why would I ever want to get rid of the pearl it took so many years to create? Now that I have taken full responsibility for my life and mental health, I know it’s up to me to make something from what I’ve been given.
So back to that “first”: I had my first coaching session today with a new client, and it feels like I am made for this. It felt effortless, like I already know the path and have total trust in following it even though I don’t know what is around the corner.
The type of coaching I am offering with my new consulting business is somewhat different from what you see around. I do what I call Lived-Experience Coaching, coming from a lens of lived-experience expertise with mental health and substance use recovery. This also includes my Peer Support Worker background that acknowledges my client as the expert on themselves. From this place, we (the team of coach and client) can walk together toward their goals around mental health management and daily thriving.
A friend recently asked me how my new business is going, and I laughed out loud saying “Well I’m definitely not making any money yet!…” But who cares, I finally feel like I don’t have to fit into someone else’s mold of a job, career, or employment… I MADE my own job. It’s my Calling. I was made for this.
**STRUGGLES-2-STRENGTHS BLOG aims to connect with those experiencing Bipolar Disorder (BD) like myself, as well as those who support them, by sharing reflections on personal experiences rather than clinical perspectives. Please share with others and don’t hesitate to comment**
I am amazed at what changes are possible when I commit to staying the course. I now know I am capable of accomplishing what I set my mind to, after decades of telling myself “my bipolar will always get in the way”. I didn’t realise how powerful my destructive self-beliefs were until I let go of them, and truly stepped into my passion and purpose.
Last week I completed my business skills training and pitched my business for the first time to a panel of community members. It was nerve racking to be so vulnerable; openly sharing my passion and showing these people what drives me to be an entrepreneur.
When our group celebrated our graduation from this program, we paused. Looking at each other, we spoke the words aloud: “WE did this. Us.” All people struggling through challenges, past and ongoing. We showed up, committed our passions to moving forward and transformed our dreams into something concrete. Not only for ourselves, but for others. It felt like the culmination of blood, sweat and tears. And yet, it’s really only the jumping off point for us; now we get to go out in the world and live this entrepreneur life.
I started this blog 2.5 years ago and let me tell you, I had no idea what was in store for me… I simply believed it was the time to take action by doing something different than what society had trained me to believe: that a person like myself with a severe mental health condition could at best just get by. And look at me now. Look at all of us expanding beyond expectations.
I’ve learned, as the forever student I hope to be, that using what you’ve been given to create your unique path is the simplest and most powerful way to be YOU. Oftentimes it ends up being the most difficult and sometimes scariest path to take. Looking at our pains and struggles may not feel joyful, but I can attest that turning my truth with bipolar disorder into my gift has been the most life-giving experience.
STRUGGLES-2-STRENGTHS BLOG aims to connect with those experiencing Bipolar Disorder (BD) like myself, as well as those who support them, by sharing reflections on personal experiences rather than clinical perspectives. Please share with others and don’t hesitate to comment.
**STRUGGLES-2-STRENGTHS BLOG aims to connect with those experiencing Bipolar Disorder (BD) like myself, as well as those who support them, by sharing reflections on personal experiences rather than clinical perspectives.
Peer Support & On Our Way: Recovery News 